Sometimes people wonder, “Did we do this too soon? other times, “Did we wait too long?” And we ask: “How can I play God?”
As an Episcopalian priest and chaplain, a lover of pets and co-founder of a pet loss support program in Montana, Reverend Mary Piper has walked closely with many individuals grieving the loss of a beloved pet. She notes that in her experience, people often refer to “guilt” either in anticipating, or having made, the decision for veterinarian-assisted death for their companion animal.
Rev. Piper shares two examples:
Clearly distressed, tears in her eyes, Jennifer said, “I still wonder if there was something else, I could have done.” “Could a different treatment have been tried?” or “Would a different pain medication have given a few more days by providing greater comfort?”
On the other hand: John said, “I regret that I waited too long to accept euthanasia. Now, as I look back, I recognize that my pet was suffering. If I had it to do again, I would not wait as long but, in the moment when my heart was hurting, the decision was too hard for me to make.”
Both Jennifer and John are expressing a common aspect of grief that confronts us with the limitations of our knowledge (and foresight) as human beings, and the second guessing that often goes along with that, when we feel that the life of a beloved animal is or was in our hands.
Dr. Wallace Sife, author of “The Loss of a Pet”, ends his chapter on Guilt with the following:
“We are human, so we long for many things, including those which we cannot fully comprehend. And we can criticize ourselves unmercifully after a pet’s death. But we need to remember that, if we did take action, whatever was done for those circumstances was right at the time, however sad the result. Whatever reasons we had at the time were valid to us then. We can’t judge our past actions or inactions by using hindsight and thoughts we developed later. This should be used as a learning tool for the future, not to create guilt about the past. It can be so easy to start obsessing about this. If you hang on to that kind of irrational thinking, it will be painful as well as damaging. We are all imperfect. But if we are loving and good our pets know that – and we should, also.”
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